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If World War Two Was A Bar Fight

*Interpretation taken from the Canadian military forum at Army.ca. Thanks boys!

Still sore from the night before, Germany has had one too many pints. It is sucking up to Russia, deciding it doesn’t want to pay for the drinks that France insists it owes. They then drunkenly shout out that Austria is its brother, man, and Italy is their long time best friend.

Sauced now and belligerent, Germany is glaring angrily about the bar. Italy is already marching around, challenging everyone to step outside. America had left the bar some time ago and no one was sure where it’d gone.

With nothing better to do, Germany challenges Soviet Russia to an arm wrestling match at the Spanish table, while Japan was in the back room whacking China with a pool cue.

Armwrestling over, Germany goes to the bar again and orders another pint and one for Austria. Glancing over to Czechoslovakia, Germany says, “Hey, nice shirt. I want it”.

Before Czechoslovakia can jump from the bar stool and take a swing, Britain walks over and stands between the two, saying, “Can’t we just get along? Come on, now, Czechoslovakia, just the shirt, that’s all.”

Humiliated, Czechoslovakia hands over the shirt and Britain walks back to the corner table with France saying, “See? Peace in our time.”

At the other end of the pub, Italy has finally found someone to fight: it kicks Ethiopia in the goolies as they walk in. Germany, raises their pint glass in salute to Italy.

Then they look at Russia who’s wandered back in after checking on Japan in the back room and both look over at Poland who’s been sitting by themselves at a small table….. right next to Germany. England and France stare at Germany and England wags their finger at Germany. Germany gives them an “aw shucks” grin and then turns and knocks Poland’s beer off the table.

Poland stands up to confront Germany beckoning for England and France to come over and help. Russia then taps Poland on the shoulder and when they turn around Germany grabs the chair and smashes it over Poland’s head. Russia then rushes in and begins kicking Poland repeatedly as they lay writhing on the floor.

Germany turns to England and France and makes a “come on then” gesture, but England and France slink back to their table and continue to utter threats in low voices. Denmark, Norway, Holland, and Belgium who popped in for a quick one after work all look worried and finish their drinks in a hurry and yell for the bill.

Finland who’s been sitting in a corner quietly notices Russia is distracted going through the unconscious Poland’s pockets, and quickly sneaks up behind them and smashes a vodka bottle over their head.

Russia gets up, shakes their head, grabs Finland by one arm and tosses them against the wall, knocking them completely out. Russia then goes back to their table in the far corner and sits down to sulk. Japan notices this and slinks out back to see if China has woken up yet.

England grabs the phone and calls Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and India and tells them to get down here right quick and oh could one of them pop around to the United States and tell them to grab their baseball bat and come over. Then England walks over and stands by France confronting Germany, Italy and their mates now standing in the middle of the room.

Everyone else quickly pays their bill and heads for the door.

Germany crosses the room, rolls up its sleeves and with four punches knocks Denmark, Norway, Holland and Belgium out cold. Germany then grabs all their wallets and tosses them on a table to sort through later.

France is upset that its little cousin Belgium has been taken out and rushes to get at Germany. Italy has finally finished going through Ethiopia’s pockets sees France on the move, sticks out its leg and trips them. When France gets up Germany picks up an entire table and smashes it over their head. France is knocked out for several hours and when they finally wake up they’re slightly schizophrenic and crawl off into a corner to argue with themselves.

Outnumbered and alone England barricades itself behind the bar and begins tossing empty pint glasses at Germany, hoping the kids show up soon.

Germany and Italy begin sorting out the other tables and strut around the bar. In a corner booth Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania seeing what just happened, stand up and declare that Germany and Italy are their new best mates and buy them a round.

Across the street the United States is getting concerned about all the noise and broken windows and wants to go over and take a look, but the missus tells them to sit down and finish their dinner.

Shortly after dinner, United States hears a noise in the backyard and investigates just in time to see Japan smashing its tiki themed patio set in retaliation for suggesting they had too much to drink. United States is very upset at this and heads down to bar. Japan also eggs The Netherlands’ house and moons Australia as it heads back to pick on China some more.

Italy, while the Germans have their backs turned, decides to pick a fight with the Balkans Football Club which has been sitting in the corner. The BFC is a lot tougher then they look and offers Italy a few good smacks to the face. Italy quickly runs behind Germany and peeks out from behind their legs. Germany turns around with a “WTF!”

After sorting out the BFC with some help from its new bestest bud Romania and Hungary, Germany looks around the shambles of the room. England is yelling threats at them from behind the bar and Canada is behind them passing a fresh supply of empty bottles to toss.

Then another cry for help from Italy – they’ve decided to rifle the pockets of Egypt who passed out earlier in the children’s sandbox in the corner, but England sicked Australia, New Zealand and South Africa on them and they’re all smacking Italy about the kneecaps. Germany sighs and wonders where it can get some better allies.

As Germany makes its way to the sandbox, it makes eye contact with a stretching, knuckle cracking Japan, who gives a knowing nod. Japan puffs its chest and makes its way through the ocean of spilled beer to the United States, who’s standing there flat-footed, laughing hysterically, one hand slapping its knee. But USA looks up just in time to see Japan midswing with a big section of broken table. USA reels backwards into Germany, which is not amused and promises to get USA once it’s taken care of the sandbox. Japan, in the meantime, turns around and wails on poor Netherlands, cowering on the floor.

The Philippines meanwhile walks out the door, vowing to return. At the end of the bar, India, trying hard to mind its own business gets splashed with beer and starts to get up.

After dealing with the sandbox, Germany walks over to Russia hand outstretched in greeting. Russia takes it and get rewarded with Germany’s boot to the nads, and Finland, Hungary, Italy and Romania all pile on. Bloodied and dazed Russia backs off into the storeroom.

To distract Germany, England whispers something to Canada, who sneaks across the room and tries to smash a beer bottle on Germany’s head. The bottle fails to break and Germany turns around, grins and punches Canada in the nose. Holding their bloody nose Canada retreats, but keeps a supply of empty pint glasses flowing to Britain. Australia and New Zealand get an urgent call from their wives to come home because Japan is lurking in the garden, and they dash out. South Africa still pissed at England for making them take on both Italy and Germany and continues to sulk in the kid’s sandbox.

Germany goes looking for Russia in the storeroom to punch it some more, and notices the attractive walk-in freezer with hanging loops of sausage and schnitzel, not realizing Russia is hiding inside waiting with a frozen haunch of ham….. Germany otherwise occupied, Britain kicks sand in Italy’s face. With things getting a bit too quiet in the main bar, Britain and Canada start throwing pickled eggs at Germany’s back.

Germany and Russia, encouraged by their new buddies Romania, Croatia, Slovenia, Hungary, Finland and Ukraine, have started a serious game of Russian Roulette in the freezer, so Germany fails to hear Italy’s pitiful screams for help.

Italy, having decided that beating up on Ethiopia was training enough to punch at their own weight level, decided to take on Britain, but runs away after getting sodomized by their giant British boot.

Meanwhile, our friendly bartender Switzerland is still sitting there, watching this all unfold, dishtowel in one hand, drink in the other, ducking the occasional flying bottle/chairleg/billiard ball. Our other friendly bartender Sweden is still sitting there, watching, order pad in one hand, weapons licenses for sale in the other and selling brass knuckles to both sides.

USA, Canada and England now working together, piledrive Italy and knock them unconscious. Then, South Africa, New Zealand and Poland (who left to get a new set of trousers and just got back) all join together and rain blows and kicks and elbows on Germany until it can’t help but beg for mercy. Even Brazil from down the street jumps in as does France who appears to be fine again. Italy and Germany decide that enough’s enough and cry for surrender, with the bar now completely and utterly ruined.

Japan is still poking USA in the back. With a little help from some engineers patronizing the bar, USA heaves the piano over the second floor railing and it lands with deafening noise squarely on Japans head. From underneath a tiny white flag rises from rubble.

If that wasn’t enough: If World War ONE Was A Bar Fight

Or, for another even more hilarious version, World War II, the Comic Strip! (By Angus McCloud.)


Also, for the comic version of World War I.

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46 Responses to If World War Two Was A Bar Fight

  1. Greg 03/25/2014 at 10:06 am #

    Germany’s belligerence and aggression are WAY understated in the WW2 bar fight.

  2. G 03/15/2014 at 7:25 pm #

    why does it change from Britain to England? England was not in WW2…Britain was!

  3. Eugenio 03/13/2014 at 2:53 pm #

    Russia’s role (and if you want to get technical it was the Soviet Union) is GROSSLY undertold. Just sitting around in a freezer? How about kicking Germany’s ass and taking Berlin!?

  4. Lvar 03/11/2014 at 12:47 pm #

    “Japan is still poking USA in the back. With a little help from some engineers patronizing the bar, USA heaves the piano over the second floor railing and it lands with deafening noise squarely on Japans head. From underneath a tiny white flag rises from rubble.”

    …then as the smoky dust clears and settles, everyone in the bar eyes are fixed on the badly mangled Japan, trying to make sense of what just happened. Finally Russia breaks the silence expressing what everyone else was thinking at that same exact moment, “Wow… We’ve REALLY got to get us a couple of those pianos!”

  5. Marcus 11/09/2013 at 3:29 pm #

    Haha the part about Sweden was hilarious!

  6. taylor 02/23/2012 at 8:06 am #

    i like the korean war bar fight

  7. James 01/09/2012 at 2:26 pm #

    And if the Korean war was a bar fight:

    Still bumped and bruised and quite possibly suffering brain damage after the beating taken the previous night, Germany now completely pacified sits around the bar with friends and former enemies. Joining him to his left is his rather unintelligent and impressionable younger brother, East Germany who he has called up to help him clean up the enormous mess that is left of the bar from the last couple of nights mishaps.
    Japan is now sat comfortably at the American table, now cut down too size and quite content with himself although slightly irritated with Russia for stealing his Shikotan hat.
    After two nights of vicious brawls most people in the bar seem to have lost their will to fight, especially under the supervision of the new bartender United Nations.
    Trying to make amends USA buys Germany, France, Belgium, Holland, Norway, Denmark, Italy and Britain some drinks and announces that from now on they shall all be best of buddies. Russia slightly angered tells USA that if he cannot have a free drink also then he cannot be friends with him or the rest of his new buddies in the Eastern League darts team who he tells USA that East Germany is now joining, violently snatching him with one arm away from beside Germany just before USA can buy him a drink. Germany shocked and in his battered state unable to do anything begs USA to help him. Steadfastly refusing to pull East Germany back over to the western side of the bar the USA does however march over to East Germany brushing Russia aside and firmly places one cold pint down before him after another, all the while beckoning to Russia not to start another brawl.
    With the mood of the bar slowly becoming more hostile, the Far Eastern corner suddenly becomes centre of attention where China has surprisingly had a complete personality change after having a seemingly endless migraine. One of Russia’s new buddies North Korea is starting to argue more and more angrily with his non-identical twin brother South Korea over who rightfully owns the Korean bar table with one each sitting at each end of it, deeply concerning Japan, China and Russia who are trying to enjoy their drinks nearby.
    Eventually North Korea snaps and dives across the table and punches South Korea square in the face where he stumbles back towards Japan’s table, who along with United Nations looks on in horror to the cheers of Russia and China who is now proudly wearing his bearskin Cossack. USA throws a shoe across the room at North Korea but he just brushes it off and continues to rain blow after blow on South Korea much to USA’s dismay.
    Eventually just as North Korea is about to land a knockout blow and send South Korea crashing back on to the Japanese table the USA jumps in from behind and starts beating the living day lights out of North Korea with a baseball bat.
    Stunned by this chain of event North Korea stumbles back in a daze towards China’s table. China concerned that the close proximity of the fighting may result in the spilling of his ale warns USA to halt close to his table. Although, overconfident after his earlier disagreement with Russia USA continues to pulverise him until eventually North Korea falls backwards and knocks a few pints off the Chinese table where they smash on the floor.
    Surveying the mess he has made USA looks at the Chinese table pondering whether he should try and take a few of the remaining pints back to his own table. However by doing so he does not notice a furious China stand up and smash a large beer bottle over his head.
    Taken by surprise USA takes a few steps back and quickly tries to dodge blow after blow that China now reigns down on him with a Snooker cue. North Korea makes a surprising recovery and jumps back into the fight only to be picked up again and thrown half way back over the Korean table.
    Suddenly the fight starts to take on the characteristics of a brawl when South Korea jumps back in closely followed by Britain, Australia, Canada, Belgium, Greece, South Africa, Turkey, Norway, Sweden, New Zealand and even Ethiopia. Russia sits on the sideline throwing beer glasses at USA from a safe distance all the while telling them to stop. Despite United Nations screams to stop from the sidelines, trying to keep the damage to a minimum the fight carries on, with USA punching China three times very hard in the face.
    Although the fighting soon mostly dies down, the two sides stare at each other menacingly for about ten minutes trying to agree who started the fight and China demands that South Korea give up his seat at the Korean table. Soon however both sides start to get bored and China agrees that South Korea can stay at the table after all. Almost everyone shakes and makes up although North Korea and South Korea stare each other down from their respective ends of the table occasionally flicking the odd peanut at each other.

  8. Mayhem 10/18/2011 at 11:36 pm #

    When I saw ‘Friendly Bartenders’, I keeled over.

  9. Liki_eleven 10/16/2011 at 11:14 pm #

    It should be America was hanging at Philippines’ table when Japan started punching them in the nads. America walks out the bar vowing to return leaving the Philippines alone to fight. Battered and bloodied Philippines falls writhing on the floor, Japan then decides to make Philippines march around the bar for a few hours.

  10. BOB10011001 09/29/2011 at 7:39 pm #

    Should have included something about the maginot line… “France hid behind the juke box taunting Germany but Germany walked around the juke box and punched him in the gut” or some such…

  11. WinterWar 08/04/2011 at 5:33 am #

    Absolutely hilarious, but Finland was not an ally of Germany, nor did they initiate the Winter War. More realistically, Russia should decide to steal all of Finland’s clothes after beating up Poland, but Finland runs around the muscular but slow Russia, punching it repeatedly, and eventually Russia goes back after having stolen Finland’s belt. Finland waits a bit then starts another fight to try to get the belt but is not successful.

    • Guest 09/27/2011 at 10:39 pm #

      Technically, Finland was considered a co-belligerent after the war, but they definitely didn’t start the conflict with Russia, you are correct.  They DID start the Continuation War, but Russia had annexed 1/10th of their country, I don’t think you can blame them.  Also, picking between having Stalin control your country or having Hitler attempt to dictate orders to you is not the most enviable of positions to be in.

  12. Chrisnaboz 07/23/2011 at 3:49 am #

    Brilliant.

  13. Mr. Whatever 07/02/2011 at 9:30 pm #

    Now, all of you, SHUT UP! Getting into a wounded pride, ByJingo, nationalist socio-historical revisionist pissing contest really drives home the point of this priceless parody. If you can’t take a joke maybe you should turn off your TV sets, shut off your computers, go get a library card and do some real reading. I love you all and you are all invited to my birthday party.
    Just don’t mention the war. B.

  14. A Greek 06/09/2011 at 3:14 am #

    I am a Greek and you can’t characterize Greece’s role to this barfight as a fight between Balkans and Italy.It was only Greece who defended them,Bulgarians,albanians,yugoslavia NAH NOTHING.And we suffered a lot from this,though we won.Then Germans attack and Greece was under TRI-COUNTRY occupation: Bulgarians,italians,Germans.
    And when world war two ended we didn’t take our fair share of the victory.Instead thanks to our allies a civil war broke up!When you were rebuilding your western countries,and now Italy for example is a great power,Greeks were killing each other.

  15. Steve 04/19/2011 at 8:53 am #

    Plenty about England, nothing about Scotland, I think you mean UK when you say England?

    • George 12/24/2012 at 4:35 pm #

      You Scots are so boringly predictable. For “England” read all Countries in the Commonwealth – not just the UK, and move on…..

  16. Kirka 03/06/2011 at 5:18 pm #

    You completely ignored the fact that soviets attacked Finland first back in ’39, and were occupying finnish soil.

  17. Andateika 02/24/2011 at 4:31 pm #

    Heheh….Hetalia….

    • Kleo 02/27/2011 at 12:36 am #

      BAHAHAHA my thoughts exactly.

      • Ben 03/06/2011 at 9:19 pm #

        Please. Someone seems a little angry.

        You could make a case for the US doing that in WW1, but to say that we “dealt the last blow after you did all the hard work” is absolutely 100% inaccurate. Where were you in the Pacific, huh? You know how many American lives were lost in Okinawa? Or Iwa-Jima? Guadacanal? We fought for 4 fucking years. In Europe AND the Pacific. Don’t disgrace the veterans who fought for both yours and mine freedom.

        Fucking child. Grow up and know your history.

        • Luke 03/13/2011 at 7:25 pm #

          USA is hilarious, Japan bombed a harbor, and we INVENTED atomic bombs, invaded Europe, and decimated Japan. HILARIOUS
          we DEFINITELY, UNDENIABLY, waited until it affected us to intervene, but when we did intervene, we dealt the final blow to an admittedly already weakened enemy, however, the Allies were more weakened, France had fallen, and London was being bombed to bits, if it weren’t for the British Airforce London wouldn’t have stood…
          This thing also forgets the fact that Russia took over half of Europe after being kicked in the nuts by Germany…

  18. aera 01/30/2011 at 12:17 pm #

    More accurately USA was a bad mate who stayed at home until he was afraid his house might get vandalized. USA’s friends beat the Germans tired and when the US showed up, one punched an already woren out man and took all the credit.

    After the fight ended, everyone was happy that USA showed up to throw the last blow, but still think hes just a big cocky, selfish brute that theyd rather not confront out of fear of getting decked.

    • Frank 02/11/2011 at 10:17 am #

      Oh waaah, another European twit crying about how the US didn’t come rush to your aid fast enough!!! Boo hooo. Maybe if Europe had enough resolve and fight in them to handle business, we wouldn’t have had to bail them out in multiple wars/conflicts. If everyone else was getting the job done, then we wouldn’t have needed to intervene, nor would we have been attacked. I suppose that’s why the U.S. is still the only true might in the UN. The thread of truth that hasn’t changed: When the US’s “yard” is vandalized, we do something about it. When anyone else’s “yard” is vandalized, they cry to us and ask us to do something about it, then have to nerve to complain about how we did the job you couldn’t do. In this barfight, you are the guy getting his @ss kicked. Your buddy tries to let you be a man and handle your own business and, after seeing you get pummelled for a bit, comes over and gets the guy off of you. You then spring up, spewing how “you had him all along” like the pretentious ingrate you are.

      • atomicbombedyou 01/03/2012 at 4:45 pm #

        Agreed. You said enough. The other replies aren’t able to counter your statement properly. U.S did bail the Allies out of World War II but no one wants to admit it. Ok, The Russians single handedly pushed the Germans back and Great Britain were able to push back Rommel in North Africa, but no one wants to admit that the United States came in from behind from Morocco and helped squeeze the Germans out. Who knows what would have happened if America never intervened. Maybe Rommel would have counter attack Montgomery. But this was never done because the Americans came in from behind. Or what about D-Day? The U.S played a big role there. What about Market Garden, a failed British plan. The Americans held their sectors, but the Brits failed in Arnhem (because of the unfortunate retreat from German Panzers). Yes, the Americans took some defeat at Bastogne, but that’s why they were “allies” to help push the Germans back all the way to Germany. As for Japan, the Brits could have been overran if the U.S never dealt with them. I’m not saying the U.S could have beaten the Germans single handedly (who knows) but they played an important role in WWII and were need to be appreciated for the service we gave, not ridiculed..

    • Elizabeth 02/19/2011 at 6:44 pm #

      I love you.

    • John 03/10/2011 at 12:25 pm #

      Which multiple wars or conflicts was it you bailed us out of? oh wait, i remember, it was none, literally none. You helped in world war one in fairness, you even sent in soldiers towards the end. World war 2 you attacked japan because they attacked you, not us, more than anything else and in reality russia was doing most of the work in europe with britain and co. pretty much doing the rest.

      Although, i will admit you do step in when it’s your yard being vandalised, if you think of most of the world as your yard (you probably do actually). I’m sure that cuba was begging for you to come save it from this oppressive communism… which drastically improved it’s social and economic status… and it’s not like you failed pathetically there (for your sake i won’t even talk about vietnam). in fact, i can think of very few countries that actually specifically ask the USA to help, some ask the UN, but never just the USA. I guess with friends like the USA, who need enemies?

      • Cam 12/07/2011 at 2:27 pm #

        John, you voiced my exact thoughts… Lol about Vietnam :P

      • jayz 05/06/2013 at 7:52 pm #

        And i bet that all of Africa, the Americas and Asia were just begging you to save them from “barbarism” by extracting resources and enslaving their people for hundreds of years. Read some history before you get into a pissing match over the US’s “dirty record” because your nations is probably FAR FAR FAR worse.

    • jayz 05/06/2013 at 7:47 pm #

      you do know that USSR and USA both entered in 1941…it ended in 1945 and started only like 2 years before the US entered, and in the time before we entered we were giving ships to UK so they could HOLD OFF Germany since they and the rest of Europe failed to repel Germany. The USSR and US were the two major players. The USSR in the Eastern Front of Europe and the US in the Western European Front…and Pacific (silly Europeans think they are the center of the world, there was the world war in other places besides Europe)

      • Roscoe.T 04/10/2014 at 8:35 am #

        “Giving Ships to the U.K.” You lot were SELLING Ships to the U.K. & Munitions to the allied Forces — NEVER GIVING. It took years for the Allied Forces to pay back the Billions of Dollars the U.S. charged us. Remember; we were also fighting with you in your War against the Japs [ well, Australia & New Zealand { the ANZACS} were] When an Australian General refused to send ANZAC Troops on a Macarthur planned Suicide mission in which THOUSANDS of Marines & U.S. Forces were slaughtered that Mongrel called Australians cowards — Arsehole, it was just that our Troops had been used by the Brits as cannon fodder ever since Gallipoli in 1915 & he wasn’t going to let an Insane Yank General to do the same — turned out he was right in not sacrificing our Troops in that Shit Fight.

  19. Ryan 01/27/2011 at 12:26 pm #

    Oh man! You can’t forget Greece in this! (I’m not Greek btw but this is hilarious)

    Italy, feeling upset at not being more of a badass starts hitting Greece. Greece, suprised and angered by this runt hitting it, stands up and proceeds to kick the living crap out of Italy. Italy screams for help from Germany.

    Germany rolls its eyes and walks over to help Italy. Germany and Greece go at it for a while with Germany winning quickly. However, Germany was so impressed by how hard Greece fought that it shook hands with them and let them return to their seat.

    Italy, feeling by now extremely embarassed and ashamed, tries to sucker punch Greece while it is heading back to its seat. Greece turns around, bitch slaps Italy knocking them to the floor. Greece then spits on Italy and returns to their seat.

  20. Draken 01/20/2011 at 11:58 am #

    Kinda sucks that you used modern maps in comics :p

  21. Baric 01/19/2011 at 2:16 am #

    World War II was not much different from the bar fight, generally did not know who beat whom.

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